“I Don’t Want to Get Pregnant After my Miscarriage”
Many of you who have been following our journey on social media know that back in January, at 9 1/2 weeks pregnant, I had a miscarriage. I thought once the physical side of things had passed, the hormones, thoughts, and emotions would follow. I thought I would feel “normal” again soon. But the anxiety, sadness, and anger seemed to pop up randomly months later. I didn’t feel the emotions and sentiments that I kept reading about from other women who had gone through a miscarriage and the support groups were full of mourning women who wanted nothing more than to be a mother asap. I kept wondering what was wrong with me.
The other night I googled “Not wanting to get pregnant after a miscarriage” and article after article came up about how “You no longer need to wait to try again!” And “After two weeks, you can become pregnant again!” And “You’re more fertile than ever immediately after a miscarriage!” Finally, after scrolling through page one of Google results and beginning page two, I saw an article titled “After a miscarriage, will I ever find the bravery to try to get pregnant again?” and I FINALLY felt understood.
In the article, the author explained that this didn’t mean she didn’t want a child anymore, it simply meant she didn’t want to be PREGNANT again. I felt this to my core and it helped to realize I might not be alone in all of this! We weren’t telling people that we were trying for a baby so it felt like this wonderful miraculous secret to reveal to people when I was pregnant. Now, I felt like everyone was looking at me like “Now that we know you want a kid, when are you going to get knocked up again?”. But I struggled when we first found out we were pregnant. I was beyond elated but also had to navigate the mental gymnastics that I was going to be a mom, that my career path and life path were changing. I didn’t feel like myself and I struggled with every pound I put on and every event that I canceled around my due date.
Then, it felt like, about the time I was coming around to the idea of starting a family, it was all gone. Suddenly I had to accept a new reality once again; that I wasn’t going to become a mom this time. I’ve spent the past two months riding the emotional rollercoaster of losing one reality and having another back. I was finally healing from my broken foot and could adventure again, I could enjoy that glass of wine, and plan that next trip. The idea of waking up tomorrow and suddenly switching the mindset and reality AGAIN is scary.
In the article, the author puts it this way. “Right now it’s all I can do to keep it together. I drink more wine than I should. I’ve gone back to everything I did before. I keep hoping it will make me feel like the person I used to be. Sometimes it even works. I rearranged my mental furniture. I made myself ready to be a mum. Then I undid all of that. Now the time is coming, if we start trying again, I might have to re-do it.”
I know in my heart of hearts I want to be a mom, and I truly believe it will happen for us if it’s meant to be. I can’t wait for that day. But I am also terrified of the day that I find out I’m pregnant again. I’m terrified to put my body (that’s still recovering) through it all again. I’m scared of my hormones and the waves of emotions I’m going through still and what it would be like adding a pregnancy to that shitstorm. I’m fearful of how I will spend 9+ months of crippling anxiety that it will end in another miscarriage. I want the BABY and I know that that comes with the pregnancy but the truth is I don’t want to be PREGNANT.
I know the obvious answer is “wait until you’re ready” which would make total sense if I was 22, hell, even if I was 32…but sadly we started trying because we found out, that at 38, my egg count was diminishing rapidly. We are out of time. I can’t simply “wait until I’m ready” because I don’t want the regret of thinking I missed my chance if we’re never able to conceive. And before anyone comments “Don’t worry! My sisters, friends, cousin had a baby at 45!” Just know, that each body is different and unfortunately we ladies are dealt a finite number of eggs when we’re born and when that’s it, that’s it. I know y’all mean well but science is not on my side on this one.
I am amazed and blown away by the incredible women that get back on the horse immediately after a miscarriage. Y’all are warriors! But I’m struggling to let my emotions and my future plans catch up when it all has changed so much so quickly. On top of the wild ride of hormones and emotions that my body is already taking me on, I piled on guilt. Guilt that I was looking forward to having my body back for a bit. Guilt that I wasn’t immediately counting down the days until I can take my next pregnancy test. Guilt that I want the world to stop for a year so that I can recover until I feel like myself again when medically I don’t have the time.
When I read this Page 2 article of another survivor of miscarriage who wasn’t ready to jump back in the sack (literally and figuratively) I knew I wasn’t alone. And I knew that I wasn’t wrong for feeling this way. I decided to share these “shameful” thoughts because I knew that someone else may feel the same way and be scouring the internet to see what was wrong with them. Nothing. The truth is, I’m scared. I’m full of fear and the unknown. I’m scared of not trusting my own body and my own emotions to be able to handle this again. I’m scared that I’ll let everyone down. You name it, I’m freaking scared! So this is for all of the other ladies like this author and me who may not be ready, but we’re moving forward day by day. I know the day I become a mom will be a magical one but can I just skip the whole pregnancy part?